I Run for Me

When I first started running, I hated it.  How is it possible that people run for fun?  Over time, I began to understand.  Slowly, my mind shifted from focusing on how much further I had to run to focusing on my worries, regrets, wishes, hopes, and fears. Running is now how I do my best thinking.  It is how I get out of my bad moods.  It is how I celebrate the good times and sort out the bad ones.  It is almost as if running elicits the emotions that I try to hide from others.  The streets of Nashville and my Asics running shoes hold my deepest secrets and thoughts. 

This week, I have wanted nothing more than to run. I wanted to feel my feet pounding the pavement, the wind in my face, and the sweat running down my face. I wanted to feel the burn in my legs as I climb up a hill and the sigh of relief when coming down the other side.  But I told myself I’m not going to run for the month of April, so I stuck to it.   

This week I could have used running because of anger.  I am a passive person and so when I am angry at something or someone, I do not confront the person or thing.  I just keep it to myself and let it pass, even if he or she asks me what is wrong.  I’m not really sure why I do this.  I think part of it is definitely because for so long, I didn’t want to let others see my emotions. Sometimes I still don't want others to see my emotions. I also think that part of it is the fact that I would rather just suck it up and let it pass than get into an argument. I don’t like knowing that others feel bad because of me, so I don’t want to tell them what they did that bothered me, making them feel bad and sorry.  Hence the reason for running- it gives me a chance to exhale all of the anger I am holding inside.  But what’s a girl to do when she is angry but can’t run?  I chose strength training along with the elliptical and rowing machine.  My arms are incredibly sore right now. 

I run for more than just the emotional release, though.

I run because I love the feeling of being sore the next day.  I run to become a better version of myself. I run to spend time with friends (when they decide to come with me). I run for those who can’t run. I run for those who don’t run. I run to challenge myself.  I run to learn about my city. I run for the cupcake I occasionally eat at dinner. I run for the cute running clothes. I run for the cool race t-shirts. I run to temporarily escape my life at Vanderbilt. I run so I am not grumpy. I run so that one day I can run a half marathon with my sister. I run so that I can be athletic, just like my dad. I run so that my mom is proud of me. I run so that I am proud of myself. I run for the pride I feel when I hear someone call me a runner. I run because I have lungs and legs and feet that work.  I run to feel my heart beat. I run to see how far I can go. I run to see how far I have come. I run to be vulnerable. I run to cry. I run to smile. I run to feel. I run for me.